I’m a failure
This is unlike any post I’ve ever written before, it’s going to be one of those “I need to get all my thoughts out” posts. This post is going to be very brutal and honest but I hope it will help one of you! It’s also going to be a long one, just to warn you.
Basically I’m having a life epiphany. I’ve failed myself. I’ve just finished my second year at university where I’m studying Mathematics and Statistics but as the year went by I enjoyed university less and less. I’m so disappointed in myself because back in January I was the most motivated I’ve ever been in my life – it led me to creating this new blog! However a few months down the line I started to not enjoy university anymore, I was struggling so much with my weekly courseworks – so much so that I didn’t hand anything in sometimes. I kept getting rejected from my placement year applications which was a constant setback. I was a social Sec too which I enjoyed but it was such a constant job, with a lot of pressure, it was always on my mind. Plus the money struggles of university were really difficult, it really is true what they say about being a student, I never made myself struggle to eat, I’m good with making cheap meals and budgeting my food shop, but the lack of being able to go out (I’m not talking clubbing) got to me a bit, being sat indoors all the time is mentally frustrating.
So exam season comes around and I’m not ready at all. I have zero motivation and just don’t want to do anything. I revised as much as I could but I was certain I failed at least 2 of my 8 exams. Yep. I had 8 exams! All of which were worth 70-85% of each module. So my entire year grade was dependent on these exams. Oh and did I mention I had 4 of these exams in 5 days? Worst week of my life. Once exam season was over I was so certain I had a minimum of 2 resits, possibly going to have to retake the year, no placement year lined up and no plans or certainty of the future. In all honesty, I felt shit.
Fast forward to the end of June, I get my results and it turns out I failed 1 exam! Not a minimum of 2, but just 1. I ended up getting a 2:2 overall which is better than I thought I would do, considering I was so sure I had failed the entire year. After analysing all my results all I kept thinking was “I’m a failure” , “I’ve let myself down” and “I’m not good enough”. My university goals for 2017 were to achieve a first and get a placement year and I did neither of these.
I guess the purpose of this post is for me to admit that I fucked up. And to try and accept that it’s okay. Everything in life won’t always plan out how you want it to be. I need to accept my failures and STOP dwelling on them! Within 20 minutes of reading my results I decided that I’m going to intermit the year, I can’t deal with going straight into 3rd year this September, I’m not mentally ready let alone having no place planned to live. By intermitting the year I can sort myself out mentally, so that I am fully motivated and prepared by next September to get the best possible grade. I worked out I need to get 63% in my final year to get a 2:1 overall which I believe I can do with enough effort. I can save up money for my final year so money stress won’t be as tough. I’m also going to try to get some week/month placements during this year for the experience, making me more hireable when I graduate. These are the main positives and goals I have for the next year but I also have some other smaller ones I won’t mention yet (maybe I’ll do a blogpost on the goals I want to achieve). I know that this is the option that will make me the most happy, so this is the option I am taking.
Overall, in the last few months I have learnt a lot about life. That life is about adapting, if you don’t achieve your goals it is not the end of the world, don’t just sit there dwelling and worrying, get up, get your butt in gear and start working towards a new goal.
Don’t forget you can find me here too:
Bloglovin’ | Instagram | Twitter | Pinterest