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I’m a failure

Update: After this post I got my life on track. You can read more about some other lifestyle changes that happened here and how 2018 changed me as a person.

This is unlike any post I’ve ever written before, it’s going to be one of those “I need to get all my thoughts out” posts.  This post is going to be very brutal and honest but I hope it will help one of you! It’s also going to be a long one, just to warn you.

Basically I’m having a life epiphany. I’ve failed myself. I’ve just finished my second year at university where I’m studying Mathematics and Statistics but as the year went by I enjoyed university less and less. I’m so disappointed in myself because back in January I was the most motivated I’ve ever been in my life – it led me to creating this new blog! However a few months down the line I started to not enjoy university anymore, I was struggling so much with my weekly courseworks – so much so that I didn’t hand anything in sometimes. I kept getting rejected from my placement year applications which was a constant setback. I was a social Sec too which I enjoyed but it was such a constant job, with a lot of pressure, it was always on my mind. Plus the money struggles of university were really difficult, it really is true what they say about being a student, I never made myself struggle to eat, I’m good with making cheap meals and budgeting my food shop, but the lack of being able to go out (I’m not talking clubbing) got to me a bit, being sat indoors all the time is mentally frustrating.

So exam season comes around and I’m not ready at all. I have zero motivation and just don’t want to do anything. I revised as much as I could but I was certain I failed at least 2 of my 8 exams. Yep. I had 8 exams! All of which were worth 70-85% of each module. So my entire year grade was dependent on these exams. Oh and did I mention I had 4 of these exams in 5 days? Worst week of my life. Once exam season was over I was so certain I had a minimum of 2 resits, possibly going to have to retake the year, no placement year lined up and no plans or certainty of the future. In all honesty, I felt shit.

Fast forward to the end of June, I get my results and it turns out I failed 1 exam! Not a minimum of 2, but just 1. I ended up getting a 2:2 overall which is better than I thought I would do, considering I was so sure I had failed the entire year. After analysing all my results all I kept thinking was “I’m a failure” , “I’ve let myself down” and “I’m not good enough”. My university goals for 2017 were to achieve a first and get a placement year and I did neither of these.

I guess the purpose of this post is for me to admit that I fucked up. And to try and accept that it’s okay. Everything in life won’t always plan out how you want it to be. I need to accept my failures and STOP dwelling on them!  Within 20 minutes of reading my results I decided that I’m going to intermit the year, I can’t deal with going straight into 3rd year this September, I’m not mentally ready let alone having no place planned to live. By intermitting the year I can sort myself out mentally, so that I am fully motivated and prepared by next September to get the best possible grade. I worked out I need to get 63% in my final year to get a 2:1 overall which I believe I can do with enough effort. I can save up money for my final year so money stress won’t be as tough. I’m also going to try to get some week/month placements during this year for the experience, making me more hireable when I graduate. These are the main positives and goals I have for the next year but I also have some other smaller ones I won’t mention yet (maybe I’ll do a blogpost on the goals I want to achieve). I know that this is the option that will make me the most happy, so this is the option I am taking.

Overall, in the last few months I have learnt a lot about life. That life is about adapting, if you don’t achieve your goals it is not the end of the world, don’t just sit there dwelling and worrying, get up, get your butt in gear and start working towards a new goal.


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  1. July 2, 2017 / 8:01 am

    Firstly, a huge huge well done to you for realising that you’re struggling and taking a positive attitude toward changing it, no matter how difficult. Taking a year to make positive changes to your lifestyle and to prepare for your third year is a winning idea!

    I hated Uni. I lasted 3 months. The course I enrolled was ridiculously pointless and so behind compared to other Uni’s in the U.K., so I left. It wouldn’t have gotten me any further in life if I had stayed, so why rack up the debt. I totally understand the feeling of failure and the zero motivation. I constantly feel like the failure of the family; I’m in a crummy job with nowhere to go, but I have the drive (albeit sometimes a lazy take on it) to do more! I just need to make it happen.

    Huge good luck for your 3rd year, when it comes around. You’ll do great. ♥️

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:56 pm

      Thank you so much for such a heartfelt comment! Ah I’m sorry to hear that! At least you realised, you must be a lot happier now than you would be if you forced yourself to cart on through uni! It isn’t for everyone, university doesn’t define your success! Thank you lovely!! ❤️ xx

  2. July 2, 2017 / 8:15 am

    Taking a year off definitely sounds like the right thing to do but you should definitely not feel like a failure for doing it! You’re going to go back to uni stronger than ever before and absolutely ace your 3rd year. I can’t wait to see what you get up to in your year off! Em x

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:53 pm

      Fingers crossed I ace it! Hopefully this year off will be great 🙂 thanks love! xx

      • July 3, 2017 / 8:58 pm

        I’m sure you’re going to have a great time! xx

  3. July 2, 2017 / 8:26 am

    Uni is tough I struggled in my second year too! The work load increases and grades start to matter! You just have to stick to your guns and complete it but at least you have realised how you feel towards it all! Good luck and keep that head up x

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:53 pm

      Glad I’m not the only one! Thank you lovely xx

  4. jazziepickles
    July 2, 2017 / 9:03 am

    It’s so good you’ve recognised weaknesses and are willing to turn them around to better yourself. Thanks for being so open and honest, remember, nobody said it was easy, they only say it’ll be worth it x

    http://Www.jazziepickles.co.uk 💛

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:52 pm

      It’s funny because I printed that quote and put it in my university room haha! But thank you so much xxx

  5. July 2, 2017 / 9:07 am

    I really feel you with this one and I think it’s a brave decision to take a break to work out your struggles and continue with new motivation afterwards. xxx

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:52 pm

      Yeah I think this break is needed! xx

  6. July 2, 2017 / 11:24 am

    I completely agree! I feel your struggle and I really do relate. I think you decision has shown so much courage and personally good on you for deciding this ❤️

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:51 pm

      Aww I hope it relates to you in a good way! Thank you so much xxx

  7. July 2, 2017 / 1:25 pm

    Brave decision but you have to do what is best for you only. Thank you for sharing and I hope that a lot of people will relate to it!

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:50 pm

      Thank you so much xx

  8. July 2, 2017 / 1:48 pm

    This is a really great post Clare and I love the honesty and openness! You’re definitely not a failure though, you just had a setback and like you said that’s okay! I think your decision is a great one though, at least you’ll feel ready and in such a better position when you go back and I’m sure you’ll smash it!

    Ellie x


    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:50 pm

      Thanks lovely! Yeah I hope so! xx

  9. July 2, 2017 / 4:58 pm

    This is a really honest and heartfelt post, I loved it. You are going to be OK and honestly it’s better to realize now that your area of study doesn’t make you (as) happy than to realize it later. I hope this next year allows you to focus on yourself and what you want out of life. Time for self-discovery and healing is very, very important!

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:49 pm

      Aww thank you so much! I agree with you so much! xx

  10. July 3, 2017 / 12:36 pm

    Great post! I love how you finished on a positive, having found a way to turn things around. Life doesn’t always work out how you thought it would. There’s probably a bigger reason as to why things haven’t gone the way you thought so far. Most importantly, you recognised what has gone wrong and a solution! The past is done – it can’t be changed, but you do have the power to make sure you are going in the right direction to achieve your goals in future.

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:49 pm

      Yeah I’m trying to think positively now! Need to remind myself nothing can be changed now. xx

  11. July 3, 2017 / 2:08 pm

    University is a place where everything suddenly seems magnified, bigger and more extreme: coursework and exam expectations, friendship bonds (or the absence of them), your social life, and your sense of self doubt. And you’re doing all of this on top of living independently, probably for the first time. It may seem that everyone thinks University life is one big party, but make no mistake, it’s a tough environment to get through with your sense of worth unscathed, so don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling. Does your University have a councilling service you could take advantage of? Sometimes just saying this stuff out loud to an independent and understanding ear can make a difference. The other thing I would say is, you don’t know something doesn’t suit you before you try it; you’re not a clairvoyant! If University doesn’t suit you, you’re not a failure, it just wasn’t the right fit. The life path rarely follows a straight line, it’s more of a zigzag for many people. If you can honestly say you’ve given something your best shot in the circumstances, then it doesn’t matter whether it worked out the way you planned or not, you tried your best and that’s all anyone can ask of you (or you can ask of yourself). If you need to, move on to your next chapter with a light heart and a deeper understanding of what you are about.

    • Clayaa
      July 3, 2017 / 8:48 pm

      Wow, thank you so so much for such a detailed and thoughtful comment! I really appreciate your kind words, you’ve given some amazing advice i will try to follow! xx

  12. PopularIsWrong
    July 4, 2017 / 7:15 am

    I have been in pretty much the exact same place. I felt gutted, having sent of about 60 placement applications and getting nothing but 1 interview and being beaten to it. I do Creative Writing too, and gave up on reading and writing in my spare time. Worst of all, I had the silly idea to see where my arch enemies are in life and felt like even chavy bullies from school were doing better. I constantly feel like I chose a university way below my ability too. For you, and anyone struggling with feelings of failure, is to remeber that you are naturally more likley ro remember the bad not the good. I cannot stress how important it is to understand your own personality as well, to be motivated. Good luck to you and everyone reading. x

  13. Fiona Jane
    July 5, 2017 / 9:08 am

    Well done for doing this post girl, very brave of you. Always a great way to vent your feelings and often they make the most interesting posts. I love reading it! I often feel like that at university so you’re not alone! The amount of times i’ve fucked up in life is too many to count but it’s so healthy realising this and moving on, just like you say. I believe life is about failing and trying again, it’s human! Well done again lovey.

    Fiona Jane xx


  14. July 5, 2017 / 10:34 pm

    Oh Clare!!! 🙁
    First of all a huge big congrats on passing 7 out of 8 exams! Thats amazing!!!! I remember how stressful it was for you during exam season when we had spoken!
    Don’t feel disheartened even if you feel it. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason (regarding your placement search) – I always see set backs as making way for better things to come. It may not seem like it at the moment but maybe see it as a blessing in disguise.

    Its a struggle I know, uni life can get so hectic and stressful trying to balance a million things at once. But taking a year out sounds like a great idea for you mentally as well as to be able to cope better in your final year!

    Easier said than done but use your set backs as motivation to improve and achieve more. I know from personal experience its easier set than done and i know how disheartening being rejected from LOADS of placements is, especially if you spend soo much time on each application! I hope the year break will help you prep for your final year in all the best ways possible and you’re back and better and ready to tackle your final year!

    Good luck in everything, love. And I hope you know I’m always here for you to talk to if you ever need someone! My DMs are always open for you!!




    • Clayaa
      July 7, 2017 / 7:29 am

      Ahh thank you so much lovely!! This means so much to me!! I hope this year brings good things too, and that it’s all fate! Fingers crossed the next year goes well haha. Thank you so much xxxx

  15. July 8, 2017 / 3:35 am

    This is a fantastically written post hun and so relatable. I really hope you can move on and use this as more motivation. You’ve done amazing!!

    Jordanne || Thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk

    • Clayaa
      July 8, 2017 / 9:14 am

      Thank you so much lovely! Xxx

  16. July 12, 2017 / 2:31 pm

    I am so thankful I have come across this, I was in the exact same position and knowing that someone else is too gives me so much comfort! For so long I felt like a failure and that I had dissapointed my family, it was the worst! The stress of uni really got a hold of me. But now I’ve realised that every set back makes you a better/ stronger person person and that this is just your journey and one day we will get there! X

    • Clayaa
      July 12, 2017 / 2:37 pm

      Ahh I’m so glad you liked it! I’m glad I’m not alone either, I know just how you felt, I really didn’t enjoy uni for numerous reasons but as you said, we’re stronger now and can only look forward! xx

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